Suicidal Thoughts I

I'm an empty husk and i'm aware now.

Man i know that now, you can never trust those fucking humans and im not excluding myself okay?

Damn this reality

Yeah there are no fucking real happy endings, there are no meaningful relationships that last forever, everything is a huge deus ex machina around here.
This consumption of life, this waste of time, these things are the things that really antagonize me against society.

In before yesterday, i listened some classical music, it's been a while since i listened some. I used to listen some Chopin, Rachmaninov, Haydn and Tchaikovsky whenever i was angry or felt lost about my own humanity.

God, it always reminded me that we can create something universal if we wanted to, we can do something worthy if we tried, that's why i studied art in University but i regretted that later.
But no, we are disgusting as a race, we cannot, will not, thrive again like we did before.
Hope is not something essential for living, i can go on without hoping, i can go on as a empty husk that i mentioned earlier.
I'm not feeling anything, im bleak, i cannot even dream, i cannot imagine, i cannot draw.
I know that all of these things that im saying seems depressive and macabrish but it's not my intention, im just stating a truth about my own character. I'm just stating that whatever i do, whatever i see, whatever i touch or yearn for, in the end, when i smoke the days last cigarette, i feel nothing.

Hey I'm empty, simple as that, i'm always faking it, always trying to show some fake emotions cause i don't want to reveal my nature, that's why im writing these down in English too, no one will care to read, no one will try to understand and you know what? I'm fine with it, im just writing these down cause im at the office and im bored and i don't have something better to do besides smoking, oh the humanity.

Either way I cannot joke about my situation, i'm well aware that i have some serious psychological issues that needs to be broken down.

Little brain damage, maybe a soul sickness,i wish i knew.

Peh, i like my solitude, i like my never ending crusade inside my soul, cause you know what?

Man i know it makes me better than the rest of the inferior people at my age.

Eh one of these says im sure i will get a terminal disease like cancer or something like that, i will wait for that day.