Kafkaesque

There are couple of things that makes me crazy. Really, it would seem like i'm an angry bastard but thats not entirely true.

I can forgive most heinous betrayals.

I can forgive when people cross me terribly.

I won't fight over a spilled booze.

"Time heals it" factor really do works for me, surprising but it really does.

But these days i realized something much bigger, something much grand.

I hate humanity, in my very heart of hearts, inside my cerebral cortex, inside my fucking soul, i really do hate humanity.

I hate humans biologically (and yes im well aware that im a human being and thus i hate myself too) i hate humans philosopically, i just hate us.

I don't know what went so wrong in my head, it feels like my cables are wired in the wrong socket. I can never shed a tear when someone dies, i can never love entirely, i can never feel anything entirely, it's really pissing me off.

When someone i don't like walks in front of me, i usually think of killing him/her. You know? Pushing him/her down the road and watch him/her head gets crushed by a truck.

My family is really supportive, they are the best kind you can ever have, we have a great relationship, i share everything about me with my folks, even when i was abusing drugs i told them and they understood me. They are the best, but im not the son i should be for them.

Somethings not right with me.

I love animals more than any other being in entire world.

When im walking down on the Istiklal, i can perceive other people's in-voices, being around in crowds makes me tired and sick, it's because of my highly developed emotional perception, it never stops, that's why im so comfortable and talkative amongs smaller groups.

I never understand it fully myself, its a big, secret, dead end for me, a thing of the past and present, my own Kafkaesque nightmare.

And what about my trust issues? It's terrible. I "never" trust anyone, i always suspect, i always doubt and these paranoic feelings never leave me, as long as i have them i will never be free, i will never be unbound, everything will stay the same, nothing will ever change and i hate it, God knows i fucking hate it.

These feelings are so unjust and there are more to that, sometimes i feel like my psyche is burning and it drives me mad, i can't just stand it, it's not a simple irritation, indeed it is not.

It's a the real deal, it makes me lose my sense of humanity, i turn into a walking corpse and no one really realizes it.

I just want to let these feelings flow, i want to live them to the fullest, i want to put my trust in a human being, i want my feelings to last, i want to end it with the human i love, i just want to be able to communicate and feel.

I hate to whine, i'm always living these feelings on the inside, i never open up to anybody, i never confess, i'm afraid to share, its terrible and you can really survive like this for years like i did but in the end it gets you, you know? It's breaking me apart, sundering my very core of existence, i cannot inhale, i cannot feel, it kills me.

Why am i like this, why im an empty husk of a human while others around me able to feel their emotions to their very limits? I never wanted this. I want out.

But when i act, it's "perfectly" fine. I'm the rock that everyone can rely on, im the problem solver, im that one badass motherfucker that everyone can count on. That's why more and more it feels like im doing a really bad impersonation of myself.

But these days, something happened. I'm feeling some interesting emotions. I'm definitely not used to that.

You should know, you should be able to get it, do you know what it means like to be "unable to feel?" or "feeling nothing when looking at a fresh corpse or a funeral?" you should be able to get it yourself, i.was.not.able.to.feel until know.

I don't know the reasons and i can't give you any specifications about this condition but i just do have these.

Until 2 months ago, i was always partying and drinking till i get drunk and become unable to think, i was unemployed and doing nothing but sleeping in my dark room, but now you appeared and gave me the most poisonous thing in the world.

That thing is called "hope."