27.04.2011

Destruction of White Room

"Some are born to night, some are born to endless delight."

That's what he said.

Orexis, the brother that i shared my body,my soul,my mind.

He always protected me from harm. He shielded me, guarded me with his life.

Together we created the white room, we built statues of past, together,we lived a life, full of hardships.

He urged me to trust no one, he urged me to not to love, he always said "Feed your hatred, burn your feelings, that way, you can survive"

So i did it. Couple of years later, i was nothing but a shell, that lived, ate, worked.

Yesterday, the worst happened.

"What you fear, comes to consume you, sooner or later" he said.

When i felt the trees are burning, i ran to the white room.

There he was, mighty demon of anorexia. Only this time, he wasn't grinning.

We went for a one last tour at the white room, we saw the remains of the lake, we saw the burning trees.

"All destroyed" he said. "White Room is no more, lake has dried and...i don't trust you anymore"

Grinning demon cried bloody tears and my residue was gone.

"You are on your own now, god help you."

He said lots of things...

24.04.2011

Erol Egemen

"Geçen gün bana oldu iftar vakti yaklaşıyor çabuk ol dedi. Ne diyosun sen ya dedim. Elini ayağını çek dedim.Hastasıyım bunun dedi ya. Baya, hastasıyım bunun dedi. İnsanlar nelere hasta oluyor ya. Dur dedi ya, gitme dedi yani, dur şey yapma dedi yani. Geçen gün hayatımda bir değişiklik oldu benim. Sakın gelme deme dedim, deme dedim ya, dön dedim ya. Dön dedim ya.Nereden çıkartıyorsunuz bunları ya. Ne diyosun sen ya dedim. Dön dedim ya, Kadıköy'e dön, Gayrettepe'ye dön, ne işin var oralarda? Hatırlıyorum, gençtik. Arkadaşlarla bu kadar sık olmasa da bir araya gelirdik. Öyle günlerden biriydi. İçiyoruz. Ya dedim bir kere doları görebilecek miyiz dedim ya. Endeksi yani. Anneme anlattım bunu geçen gün, ben dedim sana yavrum dedi evlensen boyun kadar çocuğun olurdu yavrum dedi.Geçen gün oldu aynısı, ağlıyorum sinirimden ağlıyorum. Niye ağlıyorsun dedi. Sana ne ya dedim belki çipura yetişttiricem ya. Geçen gün gene oldu, Erol Egemen var. Kaan var ben varım. Kaan'la oturuyoruz. Ne yiyoruz dedi. Dedim sucuklu yumurta yiyoruz. Gel lan dedi. Çıktım dışarı. Tur attım, hava attım geldim."

İlk Kitaplar

"İlk kitabımı yazıyorum. Ama daha, bilmiyorum da bir taraftan, kitap yazdığımı da bilmiyorum, bir şeyler yazıyorum. Büyükbabamdan kalan şeydeyim, balıkçı barakası gibi bir şey. Büyükbabamın ofisiydi ama bu, öyle bir baraka yapmıştı kendine, küçük, garaj gibi şeyi olan bir de büyük bir odası ve büyük bir şomineden çok odanın küçük duvarını kaplayan bir ocağı olan. Bir tane ranzası, bir tane masası, dört tane sandalyesi, iki tane berjeri, küçük bir kütüphanesi, küçük bir açık Amerikan mutfağı, banyosu, tuvaleti, olan, küçük bir hobi odası, onun yanında da küçük bir karanlık odası, onun yanında da küçük bir marangoz atölyesi gibi bir bölümü olan küçük bir balıkçı kulübesinde yaşıyorum. Okula devam etmeyeceğim dedim, yani bitirmek istemiyorum dedim, niye dedi babam, iki tane bitirdim zaten baba dedim ya. Yeter dedim ya, kaç yaşına kadar, kaç yaşına kadar devam edecek bu dedim, yani hayata atılmak, hayatın içerisine girmek istiyorum dedim. Kalk dedi ya bu masadan. Kalktım. Ondan sonra, anneme gittim, anne böyle dedi dedim, annem gitti, kalk masadan dedi, babama, babam kalktı masadan. Baba ya dedim gidip bir şeyler içelim dedim, sen de şeysin, ben de şeyim dedim. Nereye gidelim, nereye gidelim diye düşünürken. Dedemin şeyine gidelim dedi kulübesine gidelim dedi orada küçük bir de mahzen var aşağıda. Dedim yapma böyle. Orada dertleşiriz oğlum dedi erkek erkeğe. Neyse oturduk dedemin kulübesinde. Sanıyorum bir şatofinyon, 62 çıkarttı. Dedim bunu içmeyelim dedim, niye dedim. Beş tane kalmış dedim. Öyle, beş tane kalmış, gün olur birisi gelir çıkartman gerekir bulamazsın mahçup olursun. Dedim 64 çıkart, 63 çıkart, 12 tane var, ama diğerinden az kalmış. Neyse bir tane 64 çıkarttı, açtı. İçiyoruz. Dedim baba okulu bırakıcam ben, niye dedi. Yeter dedim ya iki tane bitirdim artık hayata atılmak istiyorum, hayatın içine girmek istiyorum, hayatı toplamak istiyorum, acı çekmek istiyorum belki dedim, kaldır kalkanları dedim. Kaç yaşındasın dedi. Yıl kaç dedi. 64 dedi. Yeni doğmuşum daha. Ufağım yani. Kalk bu masadan dedi. Ya baba dur dedim ya bırak dedim ya kadınlarla tanışayım,insanlarla tanışayım dedim, bırak bir kaç kadın terbiye etsin beni acı çekeyim baba dedim yani .Kalk bu masadan dedi, kalkmıyorum dedim isyan ediyorum ben de 68 ruhu var dedim. Komünist dedi bana. Sensin lan komünist ne komünisti ya. Ya Hindi eti mevhumu yokken bamyanın içine hindi eti koyduran zihniyetsin dedim, git buradan dedim ya. Çok ağrına gitti, bamya meselesi yani. Neyse kalktı eve döndü, ben isyan ettim ben de 68 ruhu var imkansızı istiyorum dedim. O zaman bir kadın gelip beni terkedene kadar burada kalacağım dedim. Gerekirse balık zehirlenmesinden öleceğim dedim. Gerekirse. Neyse günler günleri kovaladı, çok alabalık vardı kırmızısı, beyazı, pulsuzu, pullusu, büyüğü, küçüğü. E alabalık istatistiği tutayım dedim o bölgede. İstatistik üzerine çalışmalarıma başladım, bu arada nasıl canım anarşi çekiyor, nasıl anarşi çekiyor. Montana'nın ortasında, hayattan uzak, insanlardan uzak, kadınlardan uzak. Alabalıklar, çam ağaçları, öyle yani, dedim bari bir kitap yazayım alabalıkla bitsin. İlk kitabım öyle şey oldu benim işte..."

22.04.2011

Gray Eyes

In my dreams, i see vague things. I see a cliff, i stand on a cliff that's looking at the endless white sea. When i look at the bottom of the cliff, i see nothing, just a sheer, white, emptiness.

Then there is a white girl with a knife, standing before me, standing to kill me. Yet she doesn't act. I feel the salt of the white sea, i see a little ship, i see organic trains, like whales, swimming against the current with their steamholes, they spray fire at the atmosphere. Fire whales, dozens of them.

Then i notice the snowy ash in my eyes, i notice the snow, i notice the cold.

Like a fermata in the mistic air, i notice the stop signs. Whole thing is like a prisonic fairytale, except there are no fae's, only disturbing creatures, mind-made, easy gained.

Then at last a ship appears across the coast, i hate sea, i always hated the sea, but ship is my only chance.

Girl in white leaves the scene, i start my journey across the coast, to reach that little ship, i presume, it will save me.

There i see you, standing with your grace, i notice the gray eyes, looking at me, looking through me, piercing my black iris, adding bright colours to my vortex.

There we set sail, to a new land. I wake up, my skin is so cold that it's the same as your hand. I wake up, overdosed with delusions, thinking of you. All kind of feelings engulf my spirit, i wait for a sign.

Then you send me a thought, all world vanishes, time stops, there are only your words that i deeply care.

Sometimes, i hide my gaze, afraid to hurt you, afraid my black eyes will never match your grace, everlasting desire of burning myself.

There are times and there are times without words, there are times of silence and there are times of untimely adorations.

Then there are times that makes me want to burn the whole world just to be with you.

Always asked for epilogues, with you, i no longer desire an end.

Cause i want you to be my end.

Shattered Memories

Did I wait too long? Moments gone and now wasted. Coming back to home
It feels wrong, changes haunt me.Ends I came before.Leave me lost, confused, searching.Everything I own.Takes me back nowhere...Objects in my room,they might be telling me something soon.Still you ask me how I feel.I feel lost - that’s how I feel

I know, I know,there's something I've forgotten,like a time, a place.A shattered memory.For me it's more than i can seem to handle.It's the pain, my mind.Is writing on the wall.The truth, you lied.You said it can convince you to give up, this place will never set me free.Enough, I know,i really did it this time.It's a sign, this place,is somewhere I should be.Taking a piece of my heart...When you're gone.Are my eyes too blind.To find illusions from deep inside, growing? What I lost to find And what I find brings me here.

Taking a piece of my heart.That's how it always starts.When you're gone

20.04.2011

Lunic

I'm not perfect
I spend my time alone
I get bored fast
I don't answer my phone
I wake up too late
I tell little white lies
God knows i can't drink too much
I have secrets i still hide
I'm unreliable
I don't have a backup plan
I'll forget your birthday present
I'll expect you to understand
I'm impatient
I act tougher than i am
i wonder if all the people i love
Even know i love them
I want to be good
I want lots of friends too
I wanna laugh more and cry less
I wanna be like you
I want to love myself
I want to do what i say i'll do
I want to be less antisocial
I wanna be more like you

18.04.2011

Negative Corridor

I realized that i got a square old heart and no one makes the parts that i need to repair and pull me from this well, but i'll be waiting. From the page zero, i never knew what was wrong with me, what kept people away from me, why did i distanced myself, i knew the answer to these questions but alas, i never faced the questions itself.

Time ripped it apart, everything, everything went to shreds, everything that i believed in.

There is never going to be a plural, it's always singular lives with me. Not wanting to become a part of it, not wanting to love or hate, thoughts are always lingering on that negative corridor. So i hated the plurality, i hated it, never said the words, people were liars, everyone lied and drowned in their own personal sorrows. I didn't cared, no one can make me care.

But, you know what i hate the most? That walk of shame. After the night of confusion and other things, when it becomes morning, every fucking thing changes. This happened before, this thing happened to me before and i always hated it. Smoking till my lungs dry up, smoking till my soul extinguishes in that black void like emotions.

So, years passed by, i became a cold bastard who rarely opens up. But know what? You made me this way, i'm paying for your weakness, i'm paying for your selfishness, i'm always paying something for something that i didn't do.

You always told me i deserved this, you always told me for the things that i did, i would pay dearly, year by year, day by day, hour by hour.

You were right i'm paying for it and today i paid the biggest price.

15.04.2011

Alekan Girl

The hard part was, the hardest thing was to trust. Trust was a major point in my life, which i never violated. There were strict codes and conducts about the significant truths.

There are stages of course, stages of denial, stages of hatred, stages of love and forgiveness.

Always putting too much trust, always looking at the eyes, never stares me back, just cold, blank, void, ashless eyes.

I always hated the sea, always hated it. So deep, so black, so unforgivable.

I don't know what to feel about this, i don't think, sometimes i act before i think.

But i hate it, i seriously hate it. Everytime i look at it, i see those eyes, those eyes that gave me the glare of emptiness, it destroys me, it literally burns the fragments of my soul.

But i always say it, i always say that i can never treat the dread, i can never beat it. Those eyes of mass destruction and delight, i can never trust it.

It's like a Democles Sword on my soul. I want to say the words, i want to speak it out loud, i just want to say it. But i just can't. And i stay content for unsaid words. Everytime i lay my head, i hear the regret coming from an uncertain future.

And i think, "Those eyes again"

Those eyes again, those damn, cold, brutal, shifter eyes again...

14.04.2011

Coronary Thief

You are one of gods mistakes. Tired faces. Lying and trying, like a crane in a summer house.

Innocent smiles, deranged relations. I can somehow relate, you were the needle, you were the remains of a twisted fate.

Sky was blue, but nothing was definitive. So i waited for the day. Mistakes of mistakes, one of many and nothing at all.

Horror was being nothing or being somebody, somebody they heard and somebody they hearted.

Seals were broken, hesitation was innocent, it burned my soul like a summer romance, and i forget what was it like.

Thus started the story of the coronary thief.

4.04.2011

Spinal Response

Let's hear it scream, let's hear it roar.

This world was going under the concepts and convenient digital half truths. So the times have changed, the way it was meant to be. Destruction was imminent, that was the idea, some holded dearly. People were talking, talking so much yet so little information was afoot.

The seasons were growing cold. And they thought "We got a crisis on our hands"

Everything changed yet people suspected nothing. Someone said other things, another one said different things, they always thought nothing would matter as long as we hold onto our own hopes and values about relationships.

it was not true, it was not something that will stay.

World stood still, time went away.