Headfirst for Halos

The white lines of the white room started to blur. He felt the calm at first, then he felt the fury. Black Demon stood tall and laughed as it enjoyed the destructive nature of the situation.

The sensation was overwhelming, everything that stood for a foundation of a soul crumbled, the floor blurred, the white marble statues cracked, Black Demon laughed, The Man watched as it all happened in the middle of it.

Imminent, the end was imminent, inevitable and inescapable. He knew that, he started to gaze into her killing jar.

"Too many words to describe it, unnecesarry" he said.

Demon gave a big, toothy smile and cackled.

"Everynight is something better, you ran and ran, you hid the last fragment of your Anima, from me, i thought we were brothers, i thought the Kaleph was our primary mission, yet you failed to redeem the Kaleph to their rightful place, you forgot what you are, you forgot your responsibilites, for this, i'm taking the last fragment of your piece of mind, i'm destroying your White Room."

He felt lost in the grip of something, the Anima.  He hid the last shred of his Anima to the last statue which he didn't finish, it failed to take shape, it was just a glimpse of a better future for him, a future where he has no need for redemption, a sinless past and a hopeful life. 

But he lived the Sharpest Life of all. The razors slit her skin as he lived and he never regretted it, he thought he was powerful, yet he was weakest of them all, 

"There is a place in the dark where the Daemons go, you can take off your skin in the Satanic glow. Juliet loves the beat and lust it commands, drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands Daemon."

And just like that, the unclarity became a clarity, untruth became truth.

"This is how i dissapear then." said the Daemon.

"Have it your way." said the Man.

"Unexplain the unforgivable, drain all the blood and give humankind a show. By the streetlight, this dark night, a seance down below, there's things that i have done, you never, should ever know..."

Said the God

Ender's Game

Haven't been writing much lately.

I don't know the reason behind this. I tried to write but i was unable to do it, for some reason, i felt so ashamed whenever i tried to hold a pencil or tried to tackle down on keys.

I feel disconnected from everything, my beliefs, my relationships and everything else.

I look at the other human beings, i talk, i laugh i smile and i say it's OK.

I say the same thing to myself, over and over again.

"It's going to be OK."

Deep down, i know it's not going to be OK, nothing is going to be OK and the most depressing thing about this, i accepted it. Everything slowly fades away and leaves me alone, it's not even bothering me anymore, i'm slowly turning into a lifeless, soulless puppet and i accepted this fact.

This saddens me.

I was forced to grow up, i was just a little child and i had to take up the mantle of  "being there". I had to "be there" for my sick mother, i had to "be there" for my failing father, i had to "be there" for my hardworking sister.

In the end, i was forced to grow up in a harsh enviroment, i had to earn everything, i had to earn the freedom to spend time with other humans by working in my young age, i had to earn my right to live in this world, i had to survive, i had to pay my bills, i had to live, i had to be happy, i had to be ok, everything was going to be OK,  as long as i gritted my teeth and worked, good things would come to me.

The game i played was the End Game from the very beginning.

Every story arc that opened to me was already doomed to fail horribly and it did.

I was so angry once, angry at everything this life put me into.

Anger was my driving force, anger was my fuel, my hate was my shield and my reason to live, cause i had to prove myself, prove that i can be anything i wanted, i can be a writer, i could draw, i could fall in love, i could stand in the edge of a cliff and yell " i'm not afraid."

I'm writing this, i'm writing this and there is a severe sadness in my heart, i'm not even hateful, vengeful anymore. I'm just sad, it ended for me before it even began.

Slowly but surely, this state emptied my heart.

I'm feeling like an instrument.

My choices don't matter.

I don't matter.

I can't get myself from this overwhelming sense of emptiness.

Ender's Game, fucking Ender's Game.

It put me through it, it made me a survivor, i'm nothing special, everyone is a survivor.

In this Ender's Game, there is no end.