Ruh Halleri V

Tek bir şey vardı belki söylenmesi gereken.

Her şey onunla başlıyordu ve ne olduğunu ben bile bilmiyordum ki farketmiyordu ne kadar çabalarsam çabalayım.

Zaman ise öte yandan değerli birşey idi, camdan baktığımda pendulumun sallandığını farketmek istesem de sonunda tek manası olan şey anılardı benim için.

Çok fazla çabalamıştım ve sona gelmiştim.

Sona geldiğinde ise farketmediğini düşündüm.

Düşmem gerekiyordu ki her şeyi kaybedebileyim.

Tek bir şey, ne olduğunu ise hiç bilmiyorum.

Bunu aklımda tutup sürekli kendime hatırlatmayı kendime bir görev bildim.

Hiçbir şey eskisi gibi değil, artık beni tanıyamazsın bile, bana döndüğü zaman duygular ve düşünceler bunların hiçbirisinin anlamı olmadığını düşündüm.

Düşmem gerekiyordu herşeyi kaybetmek için, güven duygusunu yitirebilmek için kendi adıma yeşerttiğim, itmem gerekiyordu belki gidebilmek için, bilmem gereken ise tek bir şey bile yoktu, belki üçgen çatılarda bağırmak ve kendi kendimin kafasını yemek dışında ise yapabileceklerim sınırlıydı.

Çok fazla kendimden kattım ve çok harcadım, bunların hepsi benim düşüncelerim olmasına rağmen farketmiyor, düşmem gerektiğini şimdi çok daha iyi anlıyorum.

Eninde sonunda hiç birisi farketmeyecek doğrusu, en azından ben böyle düşünüyorum, bunu aklımda tutup kendime hatırlatmayı bir görev bilirim.

Sabah güneşinin tatlılığı ve çekiciliği içinde uykuya dalmak ise pek hoşuma gider. Şimdi ise yüzlerce kez yaptığım şeyi yapıyorum.

Şimdi yeniden başlıyorum.

Tekrar tekrar yüzlerce kez, el bombaları ki bunları çevremize atmalıyız patlamaları için, gerçek burda artık durabilirsin, dur ve kimsenin umursamadığını düşün, kanat beynini, kanat ruhunu.

Akıt bütün ruhunu bir kaba ve ufak bir nefes al, bir nefes al, bir nefes al ve bir daha.

Durun bütün şovu durdurun çünkü benim dediğim gibi olmaması gerekiyor, anne bana yardım et, ben lanetlendim, yalan söylemeyeceğim çünkü ne kadar uğraşırsam uğraşayım işe yaramıyor, dualarını et ve ben bu nakaratı sana söyleyeyim.

Kanat kendini ve her şeyi, sadece delir ve umutsuzlaş.

Bütün bunlardan sonra gökyüzüne kaldır kafanı., yüzleş.

Hayatı sevdiğini anla artık.

Hayatı seviyorum.

Hayatı seviyorum.

Ruh Halleri IV

Sadece duran ve bakan benim ölü mü diye.

Ölü gibi görünüyor.

Bu sebeple dedim ki;

"Dünya'nın problemi ne?"

"Düşünmem lazım, sadece düşünmem lazım."

Gökyüzü fazla gri, kimi saatler maviydi, bir insanı insan yapanın ne olduğunu 12 yaşında bilmediğim gibi şimdi de bilmiyordum.

Ve hayatının sonunda ölürsen şanslıydın, ölenlerin cenazesi ve otobanları olurdu çünkü, ölüler en azından oradaydılar.

O sırada tekrar eski bir sesi duydum kulaklarımda, duymayı özlediğim;

Kardeşimin sesiydi bu, geri dönmüştü.

Ending The Deuce

Right now im at complete loss, im writing all of my stuff in English lately cause i don't want everyone to read it.

The realization of being in this situation really crushes my heart, it feel's like im not successful at anything, it feel's like i have to crush this mutual attachment once and for all, i feel like im not able to do anything by myself, all that i cared for, all that i dreamt for, it was for nothing, in reality im that empty egotistical bastard who has no real talent at anything, im a complete misfit to this society, to my friends, to everyone around me, im just an hazardous waste of flesh who were not supposed to exist in first place.

I should have died in that day, that guy shouldn't have saved me at all, i should have died just the way that i lived, worthless and empty death.

I hate myself so much that i cannot bring myself to talk about it anymore, i detest myself, i loathe myself, i really really want to die, i really want to die.

People have tried to help me out by reaching out their hands but in the end im just a pathetic loser myself, i fail at everything, relationships, family, economical situations, my job, my body, my health, my mentality.

Everything is a train wreck.

Do you know why it's easy to build something from the scratch? Cause in that case you didn't do anything in the world and it's a fresh, clean save state for you, that's why that person can be successfull in life.

But if you already tried to do several stuff and none of them were successfull then you cannot get a clean slate, all you can do is sell your pathetic excuses to everyone around you.

I kept failing hard in my life and i lost people, i continue to lose people, i will lose people in future, there is no helping to it.

But now im decided, if im ever going to do something, i should do it by myself and myself only, i cannot count others anymore cause a emotionless, Nihilist loser like me does not deserve any camaraderie

I'm immature, im stupid, im talentless waste of space and i really have no desire to live, i just want to sleep all day, maybe if i sleep enough the world will count me as "non existent"

and then i can finally find some kind of sense of peace.

God im so depressive, im usually cheerful around people cause i don't want to share my sorrow with anyone, i choose to suck it up and sink it alone, not that anyone cares about my sorrows.

I'm writing all of these stuff like anyone gives shit about me, like anyone actually reads this stuff that im writing.

From now on, i will try to explore painless forms of suicide, i need to die and i need to find a most effective way to end this once an for all, i won't tolerate this humiliation anymore, if nothing works i will probably overdose on pills, i hope i can find the necessarry courage to do it, i seriously don't want to live anymore and i want to end this all quickly.

God, im going to write a long suicide note with some names, names that have caused this, names that made my every single day a living hell, im going to mark their lives forever with their conscience, i will be forever in their minds till the day they die, cause all of this stuff didn't happened just because of im depressive.

There are reasons behind why im like this and i will make them pay after i die.

I'm only worried cause this will ruin my family i know it but they will get over it after couple of years, since a plate will be gone from the table and my abscence will make their budget so light.

I don't have anymore words to say, this was the last day of my unsuccessful life, im ending it this week.

T'was good as it can be, goodbye.

P.S: Maybe if i wrote some kind of shitty love words or updated my blog per month my friends would actually read, that's a sad thing...

Summer Days of Old and Shackles of Present

There was a time that i loved summer nights, it always gave me hope about my future.

Hanging with my friends by the seaside, enjoying a beer while talking about the only thing that was very mysterious to us; girls.

We used to fantasize about them, sharing our emotions about certain summer romances, telling stories of our brief encounters with the other gender.

There was a time when all of this was really enjoyable, there was a time when i secretly smoked my cigarette in summer breeze while thinking about that certain girl.

Thinking back, it really made me happy, melancholy about romance always made me happy in some ways, it made me feel special, like i my feelings would matter, like im in some quality teenage drama, always my favourite track enters at the end of the day, like it was the end of an another episode.

Those were the good times, i miss them dearly...

Now im 22, nothing is same anymore, now im working in an office behind a computer all day, my only curiosity is my dinner, i rarely feel happy when i feel the summer breeze now, my oldman is getting tired, my mother is getting colder and my sister is getting distant.

I love them, i love them all, but alas, time passes and i sit alone with crumbles of hope, eating myself out, concerned about tomorrow, thinking about days left for my paycheck.

I feel like...old.

But couple of days ago you told me that i was immature, there was something not quite right about me and you cannot put me in some place in your head.

I don't blame you, maybe i am, maybe it's the alcohol, we all have our own evils.

I drink fairly much these days, i love it when i get drunk, i love it when i feel lively and stupid.

It reminds me of those summer days when we tried to get drunk and when we did get drunk, we would sleep in the beach sands cause of our fear from our families.

It was in Akçay, a familiar place to you.

I never returned to that place after the age 18.

Shut Eyes and Slumbers

Sleeping is the way, i love sleeping... Since my insomnia started in circa 2004 i was unable to sleep in normal human hours. In order to sleep i had to wait for 03:00 , 04:00 AM, even in these hours it's pretty damn great if i feel like sleeping.

I'm only truly happy when im sleeping, when im in my very own bed my heart fills with serenity and security, i cover my head with my blanket and put my head in my pillow and start to snore like hell.

After that state i can continue like 10-12 hours without waking up, i can literally sleep in anywhere, anytime since i have narcolepsy too.

It's pretty disturbing though, i sleep 2 hours in weekdays and 12 hours in weekends.

I have narcolepsy,insomnia and hypersomnia.

I have all kinds of sleeping troubles, but i fucking love sleeping!

Ironic.

Deuce of You

Let's face it, this was never what you wanted. But i know, it's fun to pretend. Now there is only blankness and empty threats, it's sad i know but they are the only things that i have.

So drown me in your sorrows and hate speeches if you can or we could just have a conversation, like we used to, we could talk all night in our bed like we did before, you haven't forgotten right?

And i fall, i fall,i falter...

But now you only speak of the day old hate. I know that your world is in flames, i know that you are hurt, i know that it's hard for you to trust, i know all of these things yet i cannot act to save you from your own desires.

And for me, i think it was really great to find that i worth nothing, it makes me feel safe to be safe.

Thing's we do just to stay alive, they are rash, cruel but in a way effective, painless.

I want to understand your heart, i want to "do" something to wash all your pain away, it's killing me to be so powerless against you, it's really making me sad, i hate being powerless.

If i had some power to change something, i would choose to save you from your limbo, it's not about my affection for you, you love your liberty after all, being you means being free and i respect that more than you know.

I am thinking about you, im thinking about you but im just too scared to tell it to you. Cause i know you will feel uncomfortable if i pester you with my childish feelings and i know you cannot accept me as a man beside you, cause im not that guy and i know.

But i can't keep myself from wanting to save you, when i look at your weary eyes, all i want to do is hold your hands and shelter you from this cruel reality that surrounds us.

You know you changed me so quickly? I hate the change but if it's you, it feels right.

I "can" change for you, and i will "change" for you, but i know you won't be here before the sunset.

And maybe im just getting sentimental all by myself in these late office hours.

The Bends

I don't need words anymore, whatever happened has happened.

Those were my walls, my ultimate defense against others, my ultimate shield, everything i counted on.

They are gone now, shattered, broken to pieces for the sake of raw emotions.

It is the second limbo that i experienced, i cannot blame the fate, i cannot believe in the coincidence, it is just reality, nothing more and nothing less.

Now all others has gone, im standing alone in my white room, defeated by one person, a dim light coming from the shattered walls, my skin is not used to it, hurts like hell.

Everything is good as gone, i'm alone again, alone but real again, not a pitiful image that i created from nothingness.

Living as a husk was easy, but i cannot go on, at some point, i realized that i really have to change.

Not for the sake of others, i need to do this in order to move on, i need this to be over, world stops when you stop acting like your true cortex.

Realization came with harsh emotions and words, my anger and my hate has diminished, don't need it anymore, t'was more than enough to extinguish all of it, small ember still remains, but i will not count it.

For this i have to thank you, thoughts and memories will remain, in this cornerstone of my soul, i will treasure it, i will always remember it, that you are the one who said those harsh words to me in the end.

I'm grateful cause t'was you.

I'm hurt cause i lost too much time, and it will never be me cause of my lack of certain something.

I feel alive cause im finally free.

For that,

Thank you.

Bulletproof...I Wish I Was...

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof

Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof

So pay the money and take a shot
Leadfill the hole in me
I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bullet proof

And bullet proof
And bullet proof
And bullet proof

Violation and Instincts

I can't stand it anymore, it feels like im going mad, it feels like it's burning my brain, im so angry, im angry about this. I don't know how to deal with this, how should i approach to this situation? What should i do? I'm losing control over myself and i don't like it.

I can't sleep in my own bed, there are nightmares, same images over and over again, black and dark red, it's so chlostrophobic, i can't escape it, i just want to scream, i want to write, i want to express myself but i cannot draw or paint anymore, i don't feel like it.

What kind of soul sickness has taken over me? What's happening to me? It's ok in broad daylight, im mostly sleepy cause i can't sleep at night but when the sun goes down this sudden rush of fear hits my veins, that anger, that instict...

I'm feeling like a predator, i want to inflict violence, i want to inflict pain, i...i want to...

But i don't want to do any of these things, it's the beast, it's the beast that pushing me towards to the edge. That thing messes with my instincts, it makes me want to hate, destroy,violate and i mostly enjoy these feelings.

I am a human, yet maybe i am not.

I don't know why some kind of creature has started to manifest in me but these feelings are not safe for me.

I gotta get rid of these, i have to.

Praying Mantis

Look at it
It's all blank
The face in the photograph
Too dark for features
But the praying mantis
Just so clear
Its forelegs fingering my hair
And it's there in focus on my shoulder
It teaches me my true name
It gives me this message:

Do not strike the low chord,
Lest its vibration awaken the halls of Maya.

It instructs me on the ways when need be to hide
It awakens the serpent inside to throb, to burn
It pulls the arrow from my ear
And it whispers, whispers, whispers a last word
What seems the last vapors of a long dream
Like Baraka wrote, like James Brown sings
Whispers, "please, please, please."

Suicidal Thoughts I

I'm an empty husk and i'm aware now.

Man i know that now, you can never trust those fucking humans and im not excluding myself okay?

Damn this reality

Yeah there are no fucking real happy endings, there are no meaningful relationships that last forever, everything is a huge deus ex machina around here.
This consumption of life, this waste of time, these things are the things that really antagonize me against society.

In before yesterday, i listened some classical music, it's been a while since i listened some. I used to listen some Chopin, Rachmaninov, Haydn and Tchaikovsky whenever i was angry or felt lost about my own humanity.

God, it always reminded me that we can create something universal if we wanted to, we can do something worthy if we tried, that's why i studied art in University but i regretted that later.
But no, we are disgusting as a race, we cannot, will not, thrive again like we did before.
Hope is not something essential for living, i can go on without hoping, i can go on as a empty husk that i mentioned earlier.
I'm not feeling anything, im bleak, i cannot even dream, i cannot imagine, i cannot draw.
I know that all of these things that im saying seems depressive and macabrish but it's not my intention, im just stating a truth about my own character. I'm just stating that whatever i do, whatever i see, whatever i touch or yearn for, in the end, when i smoke the days last cigarette, i feel nothing.

Hey I'm empty, simple as that, i'm always faking it, always trying to show some fake emotions cause i don't want to reveal my nature, that's why im writing these down in English too, no one will care to read, no one will try to understand and you know what? I'm fine with it, im just writing these down cause im at the office and im bored and i don't have something better to do besides smoking, oh the humanity.

Either way I cannot joke about my situation, i'm well aware that i have some serious psychological issues that needs to be broken down.

Little brain damage, maybe a soul sickness,i wish i knew.

Peh, i like my solitude, i like my never ending crusade inside my soul, cause you know what?

Man i know it makes me better than the rest of the inferior people at my age.

Eh one of these says im sure i will get a terminal disease like cancer or something like that, i will wait for that day.

Kafkaesque

There are couple of things that makes me crazy. Really, it would seem like i'm an angry bastard but thats not entirely true.

I can forgive most heinous betrayals.

I can forgive when people cross me terribly.

I won't fight over a spilled booze.

"Time heals it" factor really do works for me, surprising but it really does.

But these days i realized something much bigger, something much grand.

I hate humanity, in my very heart of hearts, inside my cerebral cortex, inside my fucking soul, i really do hate humanity.

I hate humans biologically (and yes im well aware that im a human being and thus i hate myself too) i hate humans philosopically, i just hate us.

I don't know what went so wrong in my head, it feels like my cables are wired in the wrong socket. I can never shed a tear when someone dies, i can never love entirely, i can never feel anything entirely, it's really pissing me off.

When someone i don't like walks in front of me, i usually think of killing him/her. You know? Pushing him/her down the road and watch him/her head gets crushed by a truck.

My family is really supportive, they are the best kind you can ever have, we have a great relationship, i share everything about me with my folks, even when i was abusing drugs i told them and they understood me. They are the best, but im not the son i should be for them.

Somethings not right with me.

I love animals more than any other being in entire world.

When im walking down on the Istiklal, i can perceive other people's in-voices, being around in crowds makes me tired and sick, it's because of my highly developed emotional perception, it never stops, that's why im so comfortable and talkative amongs smaller groups.

I never understand it fully myself, its a big, secret, dead end for me, a thing of the past and present, my own Kafkaesque nightmare.

And what about my trust issues? It's terrible. I "never" trust anyone, i always suspect, i always doubt and these paranoic feelings never leave me, as long as i have them i will never be free, i will never be unbound, everything will stay the same, nothing will ever change and i hate it, God knows i fucking hate it.

These feelings are so unjust and there are more to that, sometimes i feel like my psyche is burning and it drives me mad, i can't just stand it, it's not a simple irritation, indeed it is not.

It's a the real deal, it makes me lose my sense of humanity, i turn into a walking corpse and no one really realizes it.

I just want to let these feelings flow, i want to live them to the fullest, i want to put my trust in a human being, i want my feelings to last, i want to end it with the human i love, i just want to be able to communicate and feel.

I hate to whine, i'm always living these feelings on the inside, i never open up to anybody, i never confess, i'm afraid to share, its terrible and you can really survive like this for years like i did but in the end it gets you, you know? It's breaking me apart, sundering my very core of existence, i cannot inhale, i cannot feel, it kills me.

Why am i like this, why im an empty husk of a human while others around me able to feel their emotions to their very limits? I never wanted this. I want out.

But when i act, it's "perfectly" fine. I'm the rock that everyone can rely on, im the problem solver, im that one badass motherfucker that everyone can count on. That's why more and more it feels like im doing a really bad impersonation of myself.

But these days, something happened. I'm feeling some interesting emotions. I'm definitely not used to that.

You should know, you should be able to get it, do you know what it means like to be "unable to feel?" or "feeling nothing when looking at a fresh corpse or a funeral?" you should be able to get it yourself, i.was.not.able.to.feel until know.

I don't know the reasons and i can't give you any specifications about this condition but i just do have these.

Until 2 months ago, i was always partying and drinking till i get drunk and become unable to think, i was unemployed and doing nothing but sleeping in my dark room, but now you appeared and gave me the most poisonous thing in the world.

That thing is called "hope."

Daha Önce Gİtmiş Olan

Metalar ve geri kalanların olduğu bir ruh dünyasında yaşanıyor aslında yaşanılan her şey. Geçmişin kendi içindeki renk spektrumunun bir oyunu gibi, baktıkça yaşamını retrospektif bir şekilde gözden geçirebiliyorsun ama gerçekten neyin ne olduğunu bir türlü anlayamıyorsun. Bu sebeple değer yargıların gün geçtikçe saçmalıyor, belki değişiyor, belki sen değişiyorsun, belki değişiyorsun, belki değişiyor.

Sonra başımın içine bir ağrı saplanıyor, buzun içine metalden bir çubuk saplanırmış gibi beynimin içine içine giriyor, bazen bunun gerçekten olmadığını düşündüğümde baş ağrısı şiddetleniyor ve beni çıldırtıyor.

Bazen gerekli diyalekti tutturabileceğin varlıklar sınırlı, çünkü senin daha önceki bildiğin ve gördüğün şeyleri onlar bilip görmedi onların ki renk spektrumunun bir başka tarafında idi bu sebeple tamamen ayrı ve bağımsız hayatlardan bahsediyoruz aslında ve ben gerçekten bunun sebebini anlayamıyorum.

Uykulu olduğunuz vakit aslında yakınlaşıyorsunuz biraz gitmek istediğiniz yere, kendinizi güvende hissettiğiniz ve asla çıkmak istemediğiniz, çıkmak istemeyeceğiniz o yer.

Gözler yavaş yavaş kapanırken süre gelen serzenişli mutlulukların ilelebet olmasının sebebi büyük oranla bu olsa gerek.

Tabii birde insanlar var, farklı boylarda,karakterlerde,niyetlerde,saçlarda,ruhlarda insanlar var, hepsi tamamen farklı gibi görünse bile aynı deriye ve saç köklerine sahipler.

Daha önce gitmiş olanlar var birde, işte onlar Tepelerdeki Şehirler'de yaşıyorlar, dahil olmak istediğim.