30.03.2011

De Milo

I remember a time where everything was not always that hurtful.

But retribution was a necessity. Of all the things i did, of all the sins i committed. I find it hard to believe that i really deserve catharsis.

There was one time that you said "Humanity requires Catharsis, yearns for it, so just wait, you will find your redemption"

That time never came and you told many lies, therefore, there is no reason for me to believe. Plus, don't ever try to make excuses.

But now, you know what? I'm finally starting to feel free. After all these years, for the first time, i'm feeling free, my chains are unbound and i no longer require to keep your dream alive.

You destroyed me, oh how you tormented me. I would never want to go back to that time, worst time of my life, worst i ever lived and i assure you, i lived many, many hardships in my life. But you already know that right?

I remember you, i remember you still. You still linger in that room, in that very room where all that stuff went through. Why didn't you go? Why didn't you leave me alone? Why did you wanted to drive me crazy? Why did you made me waste all these years?

After all these years, i still remember that afternoon light. Sun was really nice on our faces and we were talking.

But you know what, fuck it, it never happened anyway.

I erased everything before the white room, i never been there, never will.

Just know that, if you are reading this, i'm free, i'm free and able.

So rejoice, we are still one.

21.03.2011

A Game of You

We rage alone. Everytime we look upon our past, it constantly changes, past shifts too quickly. Like a quicksand in a desert.

I re-decorated it. My past i mean. Erased the mistakes but took my experience anyway. Erased pride-shattering moments. Now i rage alone, on this mostly wild wasteland, i'm alone.

There are many people, belongings in my past, like a blood stain on a white sheet.

My belongings shift. My promises are re-made. Everything starts anew. Returns to the ashless void.

No one knows, nobody will know, no one will think of them as mistakes, cause i will be born anew.

I noticed it, the colourless sky, the tri shaped roof on my world. Domus Mundi is now broken and re-made, thus we make promises.

Who am i? I'm Arcana. I'm the Fool. I'm the Harmonium. I'm the Heart's Reaction. I'm the Dark Oath. I'm the Orexis and Thelema.

Can't believe i never noticed my past before.

Dark, shiny halls await. My shadow borns anew. Everything borns anew.

I'm the newborn. I'm the reincarnation. I'm the god and the goddess.

The androgyny.

Never noticed it and never will, i just write in the void, nobody listens, nobody reads, i'm content.

My twin, she used to be, now no more, red haired, belongs to another one, my clone of bad mistakes.

Miss the colours, miss the vibrant sky.

Please hear me out, i'm forever in your debt.

Just hear me out and listen.

I'm alone, i'm many more and im certainly a Nevermore.

But it now starts

The Cruel Game of You

20.03.2011

On Magick, Theory and Practice

Magick is not might, it's not something to be dabbled with. It's certainly not for lesser minds. It's said that, the first bringer of this dark, unnatural force was the first Demon, Adam's First Wife, Lilith.

When Lilith was cast into the abyss, she was offered the powers of Lightbringer, The Lucifer. By the Lucifer himself.

She dabbled in the black art, thus the daemon magick was born.

Our world was once infused with these unnatural energies, certain places still exists. For the modern Sorcerer's they are known as "Reality wounds"

They can be harnessed, even used, a true Sorcerer can shape it, change it and even infuse it with certain aspects of alchemy.

There are indeed certain types of those energies. One is human energy, using it is one of the most difficult practices of the earth. Few people can use it, mostly they are born as natural prodigies of their own bodies. For a modern day human, it's nearly impossible to harness it, cause there are radiation and magnetic waves everywhere, making it impossible to manifest the human bio-energy. Some can still use it for certain degrees, those individuals are mostly called as psychics or telekinetics.

One is nature energy, it's the main discipline of ancient monks and eastern warriors known as ninjas. Extremely difficult and requires nearly impossible degrees of discipline and concentration. This discipline is now nearly extinct. Thus the modern day.

Of course there is the Divine Magick. Chosen of the Yehweh and Heaven can harness and manifest the sufficient faith for certain degrees. Certain events are witnessed since the ancient times.

Then there are the easy ways.

My choice lies in the easy way, easy power comes with great degrees of corruption.

Daemon Magick and Arcane Magick. These are the most potent and powerful forms of Magickal Energy. Arcane Magick is the Magick of the old ones. Lilith's Black Reform changed the spellcrafting ways deeply. It can be learn by modern day sorcery books, there are various types, curses, hexes, elemental shaping, contracts, soul bindings, exorcisms and etcetera.

User can download a simple book and simply begin his/her first experience with magick.

But as a result, nothing happens.

There is a pretty simple explanation for that.

Arcane Magick uses one of the most potent power in the universe. Your soul.

Every time you cast it, one fragment of your soul is sold to the daemons in exchange for power. If you don't fully wish it, if you don't desire it so bad, if you are not willing to lose your soul, you cannot use it, user must erase his/her doubts in order to use it.

That's why experienced sorcerers use contracts with various demons of various domains to retain their soul fragments. This is called "Solomon Binding"

Daemon's of hell are eager to cross over to this world, in exchange for mortal vessels. If you are willing to share your body with a daemon, you can use it's soul as a conduit for Arcane magick, of course this matter requires great delicacy and understanding of Hellish ways of Deamons. They can try to take your body, imprison your soul in your mind, and many many worse things.

Every Demonic contract comes with certain curses. Anorexia, Psychological Disorders, Homicidal Tendencies, Biological Diseases and so on. If you wish to harbor a Daemon partner in your body, you must endure this curse or learn to endure this curse.

If your partner has a anorexia curse, eat much more than you normally would. If your partner is causing negative emotions, try to stay happy or take depression medication. Different demons have different schools, thus different curses.

Magick is not something to be toyed with, it's a passion, an agony and a curse.

But once you cast your first spell, there is no going back.

16.03.2011

A Story of a Boy

"Let me tell you a story..."

The man inhaled a deep breath on his cigarette, then started to continue with his low voice.

"The story is set in 21th Century, late 21th century."

"There was a boy, a youngling. He had a decent family, sure, they had fights and rough times, they were poor, the city was crushing them beneath it's feet...But they were getting by, hardly but surely.

The boy was innocent, he had a pure heart, despite all the difficulties he had, he was ok...He loved his family more than anything, especially his mother, she was a wonderful woman, all he wanted was to protect her...

The other kid's in school hated the boy, because he was different, he was different than the rest. Everyone made fun of him, but he wouldn't mind, he had a world of his own. Despite his loneliness, he tried hard to get by. Every day was getting harder, the life was getting harder,the most important thing is, he was lonely.

He had no one to talk to, he had no one to explain his feelings about this world. So he waited, waited for a day to find his true friends, friends that will protect him, friends that will make him laugh...

That day never came. The boy succumbed into loneliness, he hated the world, but mostly, he hated way of this world. Full of hatred, full of destruction, full of bad intentions.

The boy lamented over many things, he wanted to change this world for his family, he wanted to make them feel better ,he wanted to protect them.

He couldn't do it alone, one day, he conjured a friend on his mind. A powerful creature named Orexis. In the boys mind, the Orexis was a powerful demon. Descended into this world to help the boy.

They became good friends. They would talk about the world, magic, and other stuff all night. Demon became his mentor, boy respected his knowledge and companionship. He was happy as long as his friend Orexis watched over him.

But in the outside, the world was unforgiving. Boys mind became weak, his body became fragile, he became sick.

Boy never had a brother, Orexis told him to call him brother.

Boy had a brother, he was happy, he was not alone.

His brother created a special place for the two of them, in the boys mind, he called that place "The White Room"

Together they collected many treasures in that room, many memories, many treasured memories.

Whenever the boy was sad, he would go into his bed and from there he would ascend into the White Room...

But the boy was growing up. He met a girl, a beautiful girl with yellow eyes. Whenever girl looked at the sun, her eyes would shine with beautiful yellow glamour. The boy fell in love, instantly...

His brother told him, "Love will hurt you little brother, i will never hurt you, please don't fall in love, stay in the White Room, we'll be ok, i will look after you, after all you are my only family...

The boy realized, Orexis was not real, he was just a imaginary friend, so boy locked the White Room, along Orexis.

But Orexis was real, and he lamented over loss of his brother, his only family...

Years passed, boy and the girl started to make plans about future. They loved each other, but love is not always enough, sometimes, it needs something else...

Girl started to get colder. Day after day, she distanced himself from the boy, cause boy was not ambitious about life, as long as he had her in his life, he believed everything would be ok.

One day, it was over, she was gone.

Boy was devastated, he wouldn't know what to do, he never felt so empty in his life, he lamented, again, cursed the world, cursed it's humans, cursed it's god.

He went into the White Room again, unlocked it, entered it.

There he found the corpse of his brother, died of deprivation, without the boy's friendship, he would never survive.

The boy held his brother, started to cry, the White Room became blood red. How could he would do such a thing? Why did he discarded his brother? He knew the reasons but he was afraid to admit.

Boy cut his wrists, he gave some of his blood and soul to his brother.

Orexis inhaled, he was alive again, he was saved.

Boy cried;

"I will never leave you again brother, after all, you are my only family, please, look after me again, tell me stories again, let's live again, together..."

With teary eyes, Orexis said;

"As long as you want my brother, i'm always here for you, i will be here for you till your body crumbles, and your soul's light diminishes, i'm your brother but don't leave me again, don't forsake your brother again..."

On that day, boy wowed to never leave his brother, they knew they needed each other.


Inside out, boy's loneliness became his only saviour, his symbol of life, his flag of freedom."


The man finished his story and lit another cigarette.

One of the listeners asked;

"What happened to the fate of the boy?"

Man smiled and said;

"He was never able to love, never bonded with another human being. In time, his hatred for the world turned on his family, on his friends, he slayed everyone who trusted him and he hated the world for it. So i'm telling you, life may be harsh, people may be bad, but you cannot exist without them, you'll just have to adapt, you'll just have to get used to it, you don't have to be alone, just get out and live..."

Listeners were dazzled, one of them asked the mysterious man's name and he said;

"We're just the storytellers..."

They never saw the man again, but one thing remained in their minds.

Man was alone, yet he referred himself as "We"...

6.03.2011

Metafor

150 Yazı. İnternetin bu köşesinde 150 tane yazım birikmiş. 150 Tane hikaye anlatılmış, 150 tane ayrı yaşanmışlığın kaydı tutulmuş.

Biraz geçmişten itibaren baktım, her insanın yaşamında olduğu gibi inişlerim, çıkışlarım, mahfoluşlarım ve yaşanmışlıklarım doldurmuş satırları. Sürekli olarak zihnime hükmeden anılar, turuncu gökyüzünün ve akan gözyaşlarının yıldırıma dönüştüğü bir diyara kapı açmış.

Çoğu kez denemişim aslında yaşamayı, çoğu kez istemişim, bir takım şeyler benim için imkansızlık halindeyken ihtimaller denizinde boğulmamışım.

Fakat şunu farkettim, en güvendiğim dostum metaforlarmış bu satırlarda. Sürekli olarak gerçekleri açık açık yazmak yerine metaforların ardına sığınmışım, zaman geçtikçe o metaforların aslında neye denk geldiğini bile anlayamaz olmuşum. Anılar zaman aşımına ve önem aşımına uğramış hayatımda.

İşin en sıkıcı kısmı ise artık çoğu hikayenin sonunu biliyor olman, şaşırmaya mahal vermiyor.

Bu da en açık seçik yazım olsun, rastlayıp okursam tekrar, en azından bugün beni sıkan bir şey olmuş derim.