Ender's Game

Haven't been writing much lately.

I don't know the reason behind this. I tried to write but i was unable to do it, for some reason, i felt so ashamed whenever i tried to hold a pencil or tried to tackle down on keys.

I feel disconnected from everything, my beliefs, my relationships and everything else.

I look at the other human beings, i talk, i laugh i smile and i say it's OK.

I say the same thing to myself, over and over again.

"It's going to be OK."

Deep down, i know it's not going to be OK, nothing is going to be OK and the most depressing thing about this, i accepted it. Everything slowly fades away and leaves me alone, it's not even bothering me anymore, i'm slowly turning into a lifeless, soulless puppet and i accepted this fact.

This saddens me.

I was forced to grow up, i was just a little child and i had to take up the mantle of  "being there". I had to "be there" for my sick mother, i had to "be there" for my failing father, i had to "be there" for my hardworking sister.

In the end, i was forced to grow up in a harsh enviroment, i had to earn everything, i had to earn the freedom to spend time with other humans by working in my young age, i had to earn my right to live in this world, i had to survive, i had to pay my bills, i had to live, i had to be happy, i had to be ok, everything was going to be OK,  as long as i gritted my teeth and worked, good things would come to me.

The game i played was the End Game from the very beginning.

Every story arc that opened to me was already doomed to fail horribly and it did.

I was so angry once, angry at everything this life put me into.

Anger was my driving force, anger was my fuel, my hate was my shield and my reason to live, cause i had to prove myself, prove that i can be anything i wanted, i can be a writer, i could draw, i could fall in love, i could stand in the edge of a cliff and yell " i'm not afraid."

I'm writing this, i'm writing this and there is a severe sadness in my heart, i'm not even hateful, vengeful anymore. I'm just sad, it ended for me before it even began.

Slowly but surely, this state emptied my heart.

I'm feeling like an instrument.

My choices don't matter.

I don't matter.

I can't get myself from this overwhelming sense of emptiness.

Ender's Game, fucking Ender's Game.

It put me through it, it made me a survivor, i'm nothing special, everyone is a survivor.

In this Ender's Game, there is no end.